The last couple of days have been interesting. Stressful, sad and really stretching me.
So, without going into a lot of detail, a friendship that I had thought was strong and would last forever came to an abrupt end. I had made post on facebook about mouring the loss of relationships - which I am and was. She assumed it was about her. Instead of calling or emailing or even facebooking me for clarification, I was unfriended and dismissed. I emailed her, called and left messages, etc. and finally she responded. It was not pretty. It was sad and vitriolic and shocking.
What does this have to do with my weight loss? Well - my relationship with food has been one of self-medication and dousing my feelings with yummy treats. This has been most of my teen years on. I used to go home from school and make a cake mix just so I could eat the bowlful of batter. This, when I was teased and made fun of for not being "like" the other kids. (This started in 6th grade). That cake batter was way more friendly to me than most of the kids. It tasted good too. Thus began a very destructive relationship with food.
Eventually I got some friends, and my self-medication changed from food to drugs and alcohol. Hmmm, well - at least it kept me skinny.
Once I was married - I stopped drinking and using drugs - and guess what returned? Yup - that wonderous, amazing, good tasting food. This time, I could hide the food as medication all in the name of being a great cook and a good baker. (Yes, I learned to actually get the cake baked or the cookies cooked before I ate all the batter). You know, gaining weight seems to be acceptable when it is "caring for your family".
SO - When my friendship deteriorated right before my very eyes this week, what was my first inclination?? YUP! The good news is this: While I stood staring at the freezer, eyeing that ice cream I thought about what I was about to do. I really thought about the hard work I've put in the last few weeks, the excercise, the food plan that is more than adequate and quite delicious, the clothing fitting better. I DIDN'T EAT THE ICE CREAM!!!!
For yesterday, and today, I am allowing myself to be sad, angry, sad, angry and a little depressed. For today I am going to deal directly with my feelings of inadequacy as a friend and how I could have done things differently or better to try to preserve it. For today, I am concentrating on the whole being of who I am, not just the weight loss part.
It sucks - I don't like being in pain. But it also is good.
Food may become something that keeps me going, fuel for my body instead of my default for making myself feel better. That realization makes the pain and sadness ok to go through. It still sucks though ;-)
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